Mars is a crazy place

As parents we survive by lying, lying to our children. How the hell does one survive otherwise? Those tiny creatures will bend your hand, chop you up and devour you in one single swallow if you are not ahead of the game. No? Or is that just my kids? Anyhow, ladies and gentleman the top few in random order.

Most commonly used: The finger that goes in the mouth will turn black, crack, disintegrate and slowly fall off! We follow this one up with the truth about germs and such but the finger will fall off your hand has more effect. What can I say, our children like a good visual!

For the getaway : Every time we need a break from the little (lovable) monsters, we tell them that we are heading to the furniture store and the kids joyously skip and run to the waiting arms of the grand parents. No fuss, no crying, no tantrums. They want to have nothing to do with the goddamn furniture store. Evil Place. Here is the backstory to be played out in black and white: Our living room couch needed an upgrade and we took them four times to various shops. What can I say, the husband is very picky! The kids (and me) hated every SINGLE minute. Furniture shops are not all that jazz. After a lot of soul searching (by the husband) and me yelling enough already pick some thing that has four legs and is preferably wrapped in some magic material (that can withstand the spits and the barfs and their ability to treat the sofa as a jumping castle) we picked one and lucky for us the kids (and not me) were traumatized by the end of it. Yay us!

There is hell and it is Mars: It was pitch dark and the wind howled like a bunch of coyotes hunting in the wild. The endless blood red barren land stretched for miles and in the yonder one could hear volcanoes spewing red hot lava! Even the friendly moon and betelgeuse with his shiny starry friends did not want to show up. It was just that kind of night! The only warm place was the soot coated but crisp square building. Inside the place was filled with white bright light, like the scary light at the dentist's office. Rows and rows of small children clad in tattered black jumpsuits waited for their turn to see the one handed spear wielding uniformed guards called Mondavis. All of them would be completely examined. Checked. Poked. Some would be sent back to their old home Earth, some will board the special space craft to the luminous Macaroni galaxy and some will just be sent down a dark tunnel to nowhere!

Is that too much? Too dystopian and crazy?

Anyways I have never ever told the children this lovely story about where they could possibly go for all the bad behavior but I have definitely considered it. It's by far my favorite!